* Only in America......can a pizza get to your house
faster than an ambulance.
* Only in America......are there handicap parking
places in front of a skating rink.
* Only in America......do drugstores make the sick
walk all the way to the back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes
at the front.
* Only in America......do people order double
cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
* Only in America.......do banks leave both doors
open and then chain the pens to the counters.
* Only in America......do we leave cars worth
thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our
useless junk in the garage.
* Only in America......do we use answering machines to
screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't
miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in
the first place.
* Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages
of ten and buns in packages of eight.
* Only in America......do we use the word 'politics'
to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin
meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.
* Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM
machines with Braille lettering.
Ever wonder…..
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth
closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline: ''Psychic Wins
Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click
on ‘Start’?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and
dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a
‘broker’?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests
it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal
injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of
that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the
opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
terminal?

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH
THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT .. THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar
bowl's
empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Go To Hell".
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH
THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT .. THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar
bowl's
empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Go To Hell".
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.